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What If Al Gore Had Lived In Ancient Greece?

Long, long ago in a Grecian city far, far away there lived a man named Albertus Goreus. While most of his class of citizens were content with their lives, Albertus felt unloved. And, so, one summer's day as he sat upon the steps of the temple of Zeus, he noticed how warm the air was. Albertus stared at the sun. How bright it shone! He could feel the heat pouring from the giant, golden orb of Apollo. Ten minutes later, as he was being carried away from the temple because he had stared at the sun to long, he thought, "Oh, my! The world will be burnt to a crisp if I don't do something about it!"... READ MORE

Jimmy Carter Has A New Mission In Life...

But you know how Jimmy is, always wanting to prove that he's right and that he wasn't the absolute worst president in history. That's right. The founder of Habitat For Humanity has a new organization that he will unveil soon. An organization which will help battle the effects of Global Warming AND the carelessness of humans. I think Jimmy should explain, so here's former President Jimmy Carter... READ MORE

The White House Dog Pageant

The First Family should be getting a new puppy sometime soon and the media seems to be going gaga over this tidbit of news. So, I'm going to jump on the bandwagon. Through a White House contact I have been directed to pictures of the puppy nominees. Here are their respective pictures with a brief description of their traits and qualities... READ MORE

Al Gore's Handy "How To Save The Planet Studyguide"

Hello, you all know me, I'm Al Gore the friendly CEO of the Eco-Movement! Like the biotch, I mean, Secretary of State, said, we need to correct our past mistakes and save our Earth from the dreadful possibility of more Spring-like days... READ MORE

GM's New Line Of Cars Are A Little Strange...

With the recent General Motor's stock grab by the United States government and the United Auto Worker's Union, there will be a few minor changes to the company... The production of gasoline powered automobiles will cease, as of now. New, cleaner cars have been produced, and you will see them very soon at your local car dealership. Here are a few... READ MORE

#5  He makes campaign contributions to such people as Al Gore, John Edwards, Al Franken, and Barbara Boxer.

#4  He thought the media would embrace his black-face routine back in 1993.

#3  Mr. Danson claims in his new book that jellyfish will soon be the only seafood we humans will have left to eat due to overfishing.  He also claims that he is not a fear mongerer.  Yeah.  Sure Ted.  You just happened to pick one of only two animals of the sea that produce fear at the beach- the shark and the jellyfish.  But, people just love their shark fin soup, so that was out, wasn't it, Ted?  Jellyfish just doesn't sound as appetizing.

But, Ted, people could survive off of jellyfish if we had to.  In fact, I just read that they are considered a health food.  Peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich, anyone?

#2  He claimed back in late 80's that the world's oceans would be devoid of life within 10 years.  Oy vey!  Now he's claiming the Great Barrier Reef will be dead by 2050, and the islands of the world will be underwater by 2080.  Won't the eco-zombies ever learn to keep their traps shut?

#1  Ted had a (presumably) sexual relationship with Whoopi Goldberg.  This guy's insane!

12 Responses so far.

  1. Anonymous says:

    I say a Lobotomy is in order for Ted

  2. I could conceivably forgive Ted for some of his more egregious mistakes, but bumpin' nasties with Whoopie! I Think Not!
    *shakes head*

  3. Old NFO says:

    I never got past #5... What EVER he snorted obviously did SERIOUS damage to his mental capacity...

  4. I love that first photo. It looks sorta like Phil Donohue from 15 years ago, doing his best Ted Danson impersonation, with an age progression overlay. That sentence was way too complex. Now, I don't even know what it means. If I weren't so lazy, I would back it out and start over.

    The last word in "environmental" is "mental," and Ted is mental, if nothing else. Odd that he played an airhead on television. It's almost as if he was hiding in plain sight.

    You couldn't have picked a better wacko to feature. I agree wholeheartedly with your #1 reason ol' Ted should be locked away: "Ted had a (presumably) sexual relationship with Whoopi Goldberg. This guy's insane!" (And, I add, desperate, a parent lee.) Thanks for the laughs!

  5. Elm says:

    HPJ- Yes, he does look like Phil, but with a slightly crazed gleam in his eyes. He was entertaining to listen to on the Today Show though. Nut Bags always are.

  6. Hey, sorry, it's me again! Just realized--I failed to mention the comedic piece de resistance: The new PB&J sandwich, made, of course, with peanut butter and jellyfish. I apologize and rectify (and that's just as painful as it sounds).

    Again, though, Whoopi? I always call her Whoppi, in honor of Rush Limbaugh. I wouldn't access her account if hers was the last one extant in this solar system.

  7. Dead on. Too bad old Ted lost his mind. The power fame and inflated ego.

  8. This guy's insane? Elm you are being very Kind.

  9. Elm says:

    tha malcontent- Well, I always try to go with the PG version instead of my R. But my X rated description would be going to far. ;-)

    HPJ- Of coarse you are excused. Just remember that smooth peanut butter goes with jellyfish the best (it's better for the rectifier).

  10. Mmmmmmmmmm, Peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich.

    Can't wait. You'd better start franchising those, Elm.

  11. Anonymous says:


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