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Filling the USA with Conservatives since 2000

What If Al Gore Had Lived In Ancient Greece?

Long, long ago in a Grecian city far, far away there lived a man named Albertus Goreus. While most of his class of citizens were content with their lives, Albertus felt unloved. And, so, one summer's day as he sat upon the steps of the temple of Zeus, he noticed how warm the air was. Albertus stared at the sun. How bright it shone! He could feel the heat pouring from the giant, golden orb of Apollo. Ten minutes later, as he was being carried away from the temple because he had stared at the sun to long, he thought, "Oh, my! The world will be burnt to a crisp if I don't do something about it!"... READ MORE

Jimmy Carter Has A New Mission In Life...

But you know how Jimmy is, always wanting to prove that he's right and that he wasn't the absolute worst president in history. That's right. The founder of Habitat For Humanity has a new organization that he will unveil soon. An organization which will help battle the effects of Global Warming AND the carelessness of humans. I think Jimmy should explain, so here's former President Jimmy Carter... READ MORE

The White House Dog Pageant

The First Family should be getting a new puppy sometime soon and the media seems to be going gaga over this tidbit of news. So, I'm going to jump on the bandwagon. Through a White House contact I have been directed to pictures of the puppy nominees. Here are their respective pictures with a brief description of their traits and qualities... READ MORE

Al Gore's Handy "How To Save The Planet Studyguide"

Hello, you all know me, I'm Al Gore the friendly CEO of the Eco-Movement! Like the biotch, I mean, Secretary of State, said, we need to correct our past mistakes and save our Earth from the dreadful possibility of more Spring-like days... READ MORE

GM's New Line Of Cars Are A Little Strange...

With the recent General Motor's stock grab by the United States government and the United Auto Worker's Union, there will be a few minor changes to the company... The production of gasoline powered automobiles will cease, as of now. New, cleaner cars have been produced, and you will see them very soon at your local car dealership. Here are a few... READ MORE

I still have wonderful memories of my life back on the Commune. Singing "White Rabbit" around the fire, burning my bra during weekend protest events, planting hemp seedlings from dusk till dawn. What a life I led!

But later in life gardening was impossible for me. The pain was just too much to bear. And then my doctor said that I had Piriformis Syndrome and that there was hope for me. He recommended Conservator.

Conservator is a non-prescribed drug that goes directly into your brain- where the problem originates. All of your urges to watch MSNBC, protesting for GreenPeace, and defending Barack Obama's policies will disappear. And, as your backbone develops, you will experience an increase in such qualities as: thought, rationalization skills, and independence.

That's what happened to me. My life is finally where it should be. Don't wait another second to see if Conservator is right for you.

So what the hell caused me to have that pain in the first place?

When you've finally had enough of the pain in your ass, become a Conservative fast.

8 Responses so far.

  1. Old NFO says:

    Good one, and yeah, backbone helps!!! :-)

  2. I hope they'll be careful during the first few days on Conservator, since unaccustomed activities (like thinking) can cause strain.

    Despair not, ye mindless myrmidons of political poopy-headedness! There is hope! When my doctor recommended Conservator, he tossed a life jacket to a drowning man.

    He was, in fact, an ass doctor extraordinaire, that prominent practitioner of practically painless proctology, Dr. Heinrich W. (don't call him Heinie) Bunz.

  3. Seriously, that sounds like some excellent medicine. I might be willing to finance some of those pills for a few of my less fortunate fellow citizens. Thanks for the laughs!

  4. You need the spine and a working brain or you will end up like teacher union drones in Wisconsin. All the Conservator in the world will not help them.

    Your cloning program on the side bar is hilarious!

  5. Elm says:

    Old NFO- Thanks :-)

    Human Person Junior- I like the name of your Doctor.

    USA Admiral- That's why Conservator also comes in tranquilizer form.

  6. Anonymous says:

    Thanks for the laugh

  7. Elm: At first I thought you REALLY had a back disorder! (I'm so blonde!) LOL.

  8. Pelosi can kiss my right cheek until I'm satisfied. I'll be eating loaded nachos while she does it.

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