Last week I did a post about Al Gore living in ancient Greece. I had way to much fun doing that, so I have decided to take a modern day personage and/or idiot and transport them back into time every week or two- at least until I run out of idiots. Luckily that doesn't look like it will happen anytime soon.
This week our President, Barack Obama, will travel back through time. Now what I'm about to say next is strictly for my Left-wing readers- sorry, but he will not be transported to the years of the Kennedy administration. I know, I know. You're saying that he is the reincarnation of John Kennedy, but I still don't see it. Kennedy scared the crap out of the USSR so much that they pulled their nukes out of Cuba. And from what we see from our "new" Kennedy the only thing he could scare is Wall Street. Besides, I'm here to present Mr. President as he REALLY is, not as what you HOPE he would be.
Now that my ramblings are out of the way, I can now present "What If President Obama Had Been An Emperor Of China?"
His Imperial Majesty the Emperor of the Great Wong Dynasty, Son of Heaven, Lord of Ten Thousand Years stood staring out of the royal bed chamber's window. Since his assent to the throne a few months ago there had been more work to be done than he had thought imaginable.
The new Emperor was of humble origins. Born with the name Barack-li (say it aloud a few times, please), he gradually drew a devoted following with his oratory skills. Then, as his power was at its fullest, he overthrew the previous throne-holder, Emperor Bushao. Bushao had spent his entire time on the throne trying to stave off an invasion of Mongols from the North. His implementation of defensive measures such as advanced weaponry and the improvements to the Great Wall had slowed the Mongol armies. Yet some members of his kingdom had criticized the former Emperor for these very measures. "The Great Khan of the Mongols would be more friendly if our own kingdom showed kindness and understanding towards him and his territory," these people had said. "The Mongols are merely fighting us because they perceive us as a threat! Here we are with such terrifying swords, strong horses, and skilled fighters, yet they are stuck with living in mud huts in the mountains." Bushao ignored the criticisms and continued to show a strong hand in national defense.
Barack-li promised a new policy towards the Mongols- compromise and cooperation. "There will be no more fighting the Mongols!" he cried upon coronation night. "Our Mongol brothers need not fear us any longer. I offer peace instead of war, compassion instead of hate."
Now, three months later, His Imperial Majesty the Emperor of the Great Wong Dynasty, Son of Heaven, Lord of Ten Thousand Years was facing a dilemma- his country's neighbor, Xia, was being attacked by Genghis Khan's armies. From the reports that were just delivered, the Xia were announcing that if assistance were not forthcoming from Barack-li's country the kingdom of Xia would surely fall to the Mongols. Barack-li was not so sure about this.
"Couldn't you have a conference with Genghis?" Barack-li wrote to the beleaguered ruler of Xia. "I know that ole Geng looks a little rough around the edges, but deep down I'm sure he is an understanding man. You or your citizens probably offended him and he's just showing his frustration with you. Serve him some fermented yak's milk and he'll open right up."
Two weeks later a ragged man entered Barack-li's throne room. "What is the meaning of this?" cried Barack-li.
The obviously injured man replied, "I am the messenger to the Great Ruler of Xia, Your Majesty."
"Oh, so what does he say?"
"He says nothing."
"Well, do you know if he followed my advice? Did he meet with the Khan of the Mongols? Did they work things out?" The messenger suddenly looked very embarrassed. "Well, go on you fool! Tell me!" yelled the Emperor.
"Yes, he did follow your advice. Last week he met with the Khan in a room in the palace. My Great Emperor did everything to please the Khan, brought him food, drink, and relaxing music. My Emperor began discussing on how they could have a peaceful end to the conflict when...", the messenger paused. "That's when the Khan threw his chalice of fermented yak's milk at the face of My Emperor. As the Emperor was wiping the liquid from his eyes Genghis Khan drew his sword and... now my Emperor says nothing."
Barack-li's face reddened slightly. His foreign policy had failed! "What happened next?" Barack-li said crestfallen.
"Genghis and his men slaughtered My Emperor's soldiers. The palace was razed to the ground. My Emperor's Head Wife was kidnapped, and from what I hear, she is now a concubine of the Khan."
Barack-li cast a glance over at his own Head Wife, Mei Chelle. At the moment she was flexing her biceps in front of the court. He sighed in relief as he thought, "At least Genghis would not be crazy enough to want her."
One year later, Genghis Khan's conquests had vastly increased his strength. In fact, the only territory in Asia that did not belong to the Khan was Barack-li's kingdom.
Barack-li had a tough decision to make- should he try to negotiate or should he attack Genghis while there was still a chance to win. He turned to his servant and ordered, "Summon Yul Gei-thner immediately."
Yul Gei-thner appeared quickly. As a Royal Adviser to His Majesty, Yul Gei-thner had many privileges. He never had to pay a tax, never had to wait in line, was the Emperor's main source of help and guidance, and was generally disliked by everyone except Barack-li. But everyone who despised him were consoled with this one fact- Yul Gei-thner was a eunuch. This fact alone explained a lot of things concerning the nation's foreign policy.
"Yul Gei-thner, I want your advice. What should we do about the Khan? Should we attack him now before he reaches our border?"
Yul thought a moment before saying, "Your Majesty, I suggest we send some of your troops to the area where Genghis is camped. Hidden, of coarse, so we do not frighten the Khan. Then I will send a message to him stating that his behavior has been disappointing, but we could still work out our differences instead of starting an unnecessary war."
"You are brilliant," said Barack-li. "I authorize this plan and expect it to begin immediately." Yul Gei-thner nodded and went directly to the army's generals. Three days later a large number of the Emperor's troops were hidden in a valley a mile away from the Khan's army. A Royal messenger was instructed to deliver Barack-li's handwritten note, which read:
"Genghis, this is enough. Our armies should not fight. I understand that your people have been poverty stricken for many years, but this is not the way to gain wealth, my friend. I would be glad to donate money to you and your people. We have more money than we can spend! Why don't you apply for some government aid? I will see to it that you are approved. Sincerely, Barack-li of the Wong Dynasty."
Later it was learned that the Royal Messenger, seeing that Genghis' troop numbers were far more than anyone had anticipated, promptly defected to Genghis' side. He reported to the Khan where Barack-li army was hidden, the exact troop number, the physical state the troops were in, and reported when an attack on Barack-li's men would be the most deadly. Needless to say, the Emperor's army was destroyed.
The Mongols marched into Barack-li's capital, pillaging and destroying everything in sight. Genghis himself captured Barack-li and threw the once mighty Emperor into the palace's dungeon. As Barack-li looked around the cell, he could see many of the same people who had encouraged his policy of appeasement and compromise. One such man looked at Barack-li and did not recognize the former ruler. "Who are you?," he asked. "You look familiar."
Barack-li said,"I was the Wong man ruling at the wrong time."
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