"We want people to have a higher standard of living," said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. "We just hope we can work together in a way to avoid the mistakes that we made that have created a large part of the problem that we face today."
Hello, you all know me, I'm Al Gore the friendly CEO of the Eco-Movement! Like the biotch, I mean, Secretary of State, said, we need to correct our past mistakes and save our Earth from the dreadful possibility of more Spring-like days.
Who are the happiest people on Earth? The Eskimo, of coarse. They live in a Winter Paradise of blizzards, igloos, and snowball fights in July. Why should we allow the Earth to warm when we will lose this precious gift? Oh, excuse me, I meant to say Inuit instead of Eskimo. I made a Joe Biden, didn't I?
I have prepared a list of our mistakes. These mistakes MUST be dealt with posthaste, or we risk having Minnesotans suffer through 55 degree Fahrenheit Winters.
The incandescent light bulb- Thomas Edison's satanic byproduct. Only a man who is a mad scientific genius could perfect such an evil invention. A simpler means to light your home that will not harm Mother Gaia has been discovered.
Recommended by my Grand kids, only 10 of these little critters will light an area the size of an index card. Impressed? I'm already installing them, Mason Jars included, in my Mansions across the country.
Men like Henry Ford should have been run out of town on a rail! Cars are like giant cigars to our planet. Would you allow your baby to breathe in cigarette smoke? (That question does not apply to Britney Spears.)
Instead of nasty cars and trucks, why don't we use a cleaner method of travel? Like this...
Folks everywhere will be required to travel on these nifty contraptions. Of coarse, I cannot use this means of travel. The dignity of my position as Eco-Dictator would be harmed.
It has recently come to my attention that a new source of that foul element Carbon has been detected- in the very food that we eat! Yes! This poison has seeped into our pantries and we must fight back. Until a process can be invented that will extract the carbon molecules from our food supply, we must find a alternative solution. And, with the help of modeling agencies around the world, a plan is, at this minute, being hatched that will prevent this deadly poison from entering your body. Here is one of my advisers.
She looks like an expert.
Factories produce products that are nice to have, but they are also producers of "you know what". Is your Ipod or diabetes medication so important that you will continue to let these Carbon chimneys pollute our Mother? A eco-friendly solution has been introduced that strikes me as truly incredible.
No Carbon will be produced except for the air they expel! And you can buy as many Hemp T-shirts as you want guilt-free.
How many trees have you destroyed because of your bowel movements? One? Ten? Fifty? Too many to count? And with the advent of such places like Taco Bell the need for toilet paper reduction is critical. Why not use Mother Nature's natural TP?
Or if that is unavailable to you try using what Congress recommends...
Study these survivor tips. Send them to your friends, family, and enemies! We must go green at all costs! For the love of Humanity, do as I say or we will all die! We must overcome the naysayers who doubt my claim of Global Warming! We... yes, Tipper? I don't need my medication now, do I? No, I'm not acting irrational again! Why did you let those guys in? Why do they have a straight jacket? Is that a tranquilizer gun pointed at me, Tipper?
Ouch, not again!
What If Al Gore Had Lived In Ancient Greece?
Long, long ago in a Grecian city far, far away there lived a man named Albertus Goreus. While most of his class of citizens were content with their lives, Albertus felt unloved. And, so, one summer's day as he sat upon the steps of the temple of Zeus, he noticed how warm the air was. Albertus stared at the sun. How bright it shone! He could feel the heat pouring from the giant, golden orb of Apollo. Ten minutes later, as he was being carried away from the temple because he had stared at the sun to long, he thought, "Oh, my! The world will be burnt to a crisp if I don't do something about it!"... READ MORE
Jimmy Carter Has A New Mission In Life...
But you know how Jimmy is, always wanting to prove that he's right and that he wasn't the absolute worst president in history. That's right. The founder of Habitat For Humanity has a new organization that he will unveil soon. An organization which will help battle the effects of Global Warming AND the carelessness of humans. I think Jimmy should explain, so here's former President Jimmy Carter... READ MORE
The White House Dog Pageant
The First Family should be getting a new puppy sometime soon and the media seems to be going gaga over this tidbit of news. So, I'm going to jump on the bandwagon. Through a White House contact I have been directed to pictures of the puppy nominees. Here are their respective pictures with a brief description of their traits and qualities... READ MORE
Al Gore's Handy "How To Save The Planet Studyguide"
Hello, you all know me, I'm Al Gore the friendly CEO of the Eco-Movement! Like the biotch, I mean, Secretary of State, said, we need to correct our past mistakes and save our Earth from the dreadful possibility of more Spring-like days... READ MORE
GM's New Line Of Cars Are A Little Strange...
With the recent General Motor's stock grab by the United States government and the United Auto Worker's Union, there will be a few minor changes to the company... The production of gasoline powered automobiles will cease, as of now. New, cleaner cars have been produced, and you will see them very soon at your local car dealership. Here are a few... READ MORE