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Filling the USA with Conservatives since 2000

What If Al Gore Had Lived In Ancient Greece?

Long, long ago in a Grecian city far, far away there lived a man named Albertus Goreus. While most of his class of citizens were content with their lives, Albertus felt unloved. And, so, one summer's day as he sat upon the steps of the temple of Zeus, he noticed how warm the air was. Albertus stared at the sun. How bright it shone! He could feel the heat pouring from the giant, golden orb of Apollo. Ten minutes later, as he was being carried away from the temple because he had stared at the sun to long, he thought, "Oh, my! The world will be burnt to a crisp if I don't do something about it!"... READ MORE

Jimmy Carter Has A New Mission In Life...

But you know how Jimmy is, always wanting to prove that he's right and that he wasn't the absolute worst president in history. That's right. The founder of Habitat For Humanity has a new organization that he will unveil soon. An organization which will help battle the effects of Global Warming AND the carelessness of humans. I think Jimmy should explain, so here's former President Jimmy Carter... READ MORE

The White House Dog Pageant

The First Family should be getting a new puppy sometime soon and the media seems to be going gaga over this tidbit of news. So, I'm going to jump on the bandwagon. Through a White House contact I have been directed to pictures of the puppy nominees. Here are their respective pictures with a brief description of their traits and qualities... READ MORE

Al Gore's Handy "How To Save The Planet Studyguide"

Hello, you all know me, I'm Al Gore the friendly CEO of the Eco-Movement! Like the biotch, I mean, Secretary of State, said, we need to correct our past mistakes and save our Earth from the dreadful possibility of more Spring-like days... READ MORE

GM's New Line Of Cars Are A Little Strange...

With the recent General Motor's stock grab by the United States government and the United Auto Worker's Union, there will be a few minor changes to the company... The production of gasoline powered automobiles will cease, as of now. New, cleaner cars have been produced, and you will see them very soon at your local car dealership. Here are a few... READ MORE

"We want people to have a higher standard of living," said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. "We just hope we can work together in a way to avoid the mistakes that we made that have created a large part of the problem that we face today."

Hello, you all know me, I'm Al Gore the friendly CEO of the Eco-Movement! Like the biotch, I mean, Secretary of State, said, we need to correct our past mistakes and save our Earth from the dreadful possibility of more Spring-like days.

Who are the happiest people on Earth? The Eskimo, of coarse. They live in a Winter Paradise of blizzards, igloos, and snowball fights in July. Why should we allow the Earth to warm when we will lose this precious gift? Oh, excuse me, I meant to say Inuit instead of Eskimo. I made a Joe Biden, didn't I?

I have prepared a list of our mistakes. These mistakes MUST be dealt with posthaste, or we risk having Minnesotans suffer through 55 degree Fahrenheit Winters.

The incandescent light bulb- Thomas Edison's satanic byproduct. Only a man who is a mad scientific genius could perfect such an evil invention. A simpler means to light your home that will not harm Mother Gaia has been discovered.

Recommended by my Grand kids, only 10 of these little critters will light an area the size of an index card. Impressed? I'm already installing them, Mason Jars included, in my Mansions across the country.

Men like Henry Ford should have been run out of town on a rail! Cars are like giant cigars to our planet. Would you allow your baby to breathe in cigarette smoke? (That question does not apply to Britney Spears.)

Instead of nasty cars and trucks, why don't we use a cleaner method of travel? Like this...

Folks everywhere will be required to travel on these nifty contraptions. Of coarse, I cannot use this means of travel. The dignity of my position as Eco-Dictator would be harmed.

It has recently come to my attention that a new source of that foul element Carbon has been detected- in the very food that we eat! Yes! This poison has seeped into our pantries and we must fight back. Until a process can be invented that will extract the carbon molecules from our food supply, we must find a alternative solution. And, with the help of modeling agencies around the world, a plan is, at this minute, being hatched that will prevent this deadly poison from entering your body. Here is one of my advisers.

She looks like an expert.

Factories produce products that are nice to have, but they are also producers of "you know what". Is your Ipod or diabetes medication so important that you will continue to let these Carbon chimneys pollute our Mother? A eco-friendly solution has been introduced that strikes me as truly incredible.

No Carbon will be produced except for the air they expel! And you can buy as many Hemp T-shirts as you want guilt-free.

How many trees have you destroyed because of your bowel movements? One? Ten? Fifty? Too many to count? And with the advent of such places like Taco Bell the need for toilet paper reduction is critical. Why not use Mother Nature's natural TP?

Or if that is unavailable to you try using what Congress recommends...

Study these survivor tips. Send them to your friends, family, and enemies! We must go green at all costs! For the love of Humanity, do as I say or we will all die! We must overcome the naysayers who doubt my claim of Global Warming! We... yes, Tipper? I don't need my medication now, do I? No, I'm not acting irrational again! Why did you let those guys in? Why do they have a straight jacket? Is that a tranquilizer gun pointed at me, Tipper?

Ouch, not again!

14 Responses so far.

  1. Old NFO says:

    Oh the snark is STRONG on this one :-) Problem is that asshat actually believes the crap he is spewing! Except he is a typical dem- Do as I say, not as I do... sigh...

  2. Now don't get too crazy blaming people for toliet paper. Sheryl Crow has this under control with her campaign to use just one sheet to wipe to save the earth. Wow, the itellectual power of such a movement!

  3. cbullitt says:

    Hey maybe I stay employed after Gore Waxman et al make all forms of domestic power production illegal.
    I'll be a glow worm farmer. Now, if I can just keep the little fuckers alive long enough to Bernie Madoff some fat investors...like Algore, yeah that's the ticket. I could grow them in Honduras, get credits to import them. Hmmmm, this has possibilities.

  4. Another great and funny post, Elm. It probably cuts closer to home than we want to believe, though.

  5. JihadGene says:

    "I made a Joe Biden, didn't I?"

    "Like the biotch, I mean, Secretary of State, said,"

    Oh how I wish I had written this! Great work, truly!

  6. Hammer says:

    Everytime a politician opens it's mouth the global temperature rises half a degree.

  7. Cbullitt says:

    Elm, the AGW War has begun with its own masacre--check out my post.

  8. Anonymous says:

    Very well put Elm. The globull warming or climate change,as it is called now to cover their butts either way, has nothing to do with protecting the environment. But to destroy,blame,and declare the world a victim of capitalism and progress.

    While I am using candles,Al and his elitist goons will be jetting around,because they are better than us. There is no difference between what the enviro-nuts are trying to do and what Stalin's communist had done during his reign.

  9. LMAO.

    Do you ever wonder what Tipper's life is really like?

    I would this guy would just fade into obscurity.

    He is great comic relief though.

  10. Great post Elm, your best yet, love the pictures! I live at the beach in So CA, and I actually see people that ride around on unicycles....

  11. Awesome post. Very creative.

    Help elect me, The Perpetual Candidate, to office! My first campaign promise- free jars of lightening bugs for everyone!

  12. Woody says:

    What a windbag. It took me two paragraphs to realize your were making it up.

    P.S. Where did you get the Art Nouveau redhead?

  13. Diller says:

    The Eskimos ought to render ol al in to whale oil,for their lamps, and feed the blubber to the sled dogs,and wayward Polar bears. Last time I saw a pic of him,he could feed a small community,and the oil should light up a ball field. Great post,except for the anorexic model,that'll give me nightmares.

  14. Anonymous says:

    Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now. Keep it up!
    And according to this article, I totally agree with your opinion, but only this time! :)

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