Historical and Modern Day News and Trivia

Former nut... excuse me, Peanut farmer, Jimmy Carter, wrote a nice editorial right after Hurricane Katrina struck the US. In the article he blamed Global Warming for causing Katrina and other storms of similar intensity. Let's read what the idiot had to say, shall we?

The first warnings came in 1979 while I was president, when top American scientists expressed concern about global warming. Now we know their warnings are coming true, with a notable increase in the frequency and severity of hurricanes, the melting of mountain glaciers and ice in the polar regions and a rise in the level of the seas.


Did you know that the number of hurricanes in the past couple of years, and their severity, were lower than expected? Even the number or tornadoes, where I live, has been noticeably lower.

But you know how Jimmy is, always wanting to prove that he's right and that he wasn't the absolute worst president in history. That's right. The founder of Habitat For Humanity has a new organization that he will unveil soon. An organization which will help battle the effects of Global Warming AND the carelessness of humans. I think Jimmy should explain, so here's former President Jimmy Carter...

Thanks, Elm, even though you are a heartless, cretinous Conservative. But that's neither here nor there. You are of no consequence. I'm just using your blog to spread Liberal teachings to you non-believers.

As everyone knows I'm the creator of the hugely successful Habitat For Humanity foundation. My charitable organization builds countless homes for underprivileged families around the world. And even though I have saved the lives of all of these people, I still feel a deep ache in my heart for the ones that are still homeless...

Do you mean that you want to provide housing to even more Americans with low-incomes?

No, no, of coarse not. I'm speaking of the mass of yellow-toned workers who slave away for us day after day with absolutely nothing in return. Despicable!

Umm, are you talking about the Chinese?

NO! I'm speaking of another race. A race who's homes we destroy for our greedy and wicked reasons. These hard workers deserve a better life than to just serve us. So without further ado, here is the unveiling of...




Habitat For Bee Colonies is a non-profit that will build these dedicated insects new, better homes. Homes that will protect them against pillaging bands of bee's wax and honey thieves.

You're telling me that we humans should no longer use honey?

And candles!

But, Mr. President, how will we light our homes when this Administration takes away our right to use electricity?

Oh! You people always think of yourselves, but never the little guy! And you'll receive plenty of light from The Holy One's magnificent face.

But are old tires the best home for bees? It seems unhealthy...

Those tires were sitting in a dump taking up valuable space! We at Habitat for Bee Colonies believe in recycling.

Mr. President, I think this is a terrible idea. Bees can build their own homes.

Really?

Yes, scout's honor.

Oh... Well, then, how about this?




Habitat for Polar Bears is a charity that will house the poor polar bear population of the Arctic. These Teddy bears deserve a chance at living a long life. These are animals that we humans have been killing with CO2 emissions! Horrible! There are hardly any left now... But I, Jimmy Carter, have built for these noble beasts houses to fight against the Inuit. Take a good, long look at the last of the Polar Bear.

In 2004, the estimated population of Polar Bears in one section of Canada was 1400, then just 3 years later, the population was at 2100. The population was almost doubled in only 3 years! And there's similar stories of growing Polar Bear populations, Jimmy. But certain environmental groups are still clinging to the notion that we're killing them.

So, they're doing better now?

Much better. Fine and dandy.

Okay. How about this? You can't possibly say anything against these little guys needing help...

Sigh... Jimmy, where did you build that?

Cancun. Why?

Habitat for Hogs does sound interesting... But,umm, it's not a good idea to be hanging around pigs from Mexico right now, Mr. Carter. Perhaps you should go get a flu shot.

Sigh... Read this AP news article. When Barack-li isn't terrorizing New Yorkers, hugging dictators, and negotiating with pirates, he's busy showing us that his economic policies aren't worth the paper they were written upon.

WASHINGTON (AP) - A top Obama adviser is predicting another economic contraction in the second quarter of the year and continued increases in unemployment for the next several months.

The downbeat assessment from Christina Romer, the chairwoman of Obama's Council of Economic Advisers, comes in the wake of Wednesday's report that the overall economic output in the United States declined rapidly in the first three months of this year.


Hmmm... Now what happened in the first month of this year? You got it! Barack-li was crowned! I mean inaugurated. You could have knocked me over with a feather when I realized that his baby, the American Recovery Act, hasn't heaped wealth and glory upon us all.

In this post I am giving you the tour of my town so you may see the "Economic Recovery". That's right, you will enter into the world of Elm... And you'll understand why I try so hard at mocking idiots in office.



This is a sign that you see right when you enter into town. "Putting America To Work". Yeah! Sounds so patriotic. But, they've been repaving and fixing this road for at least a year prior to the Act. But I'll give 'em the benefit of doubt and say that the money was needed for the continuation of the road work.




This building being constructed is approximately 3 or 4 minutes away from the above sign. Notice that there are only two workers present, and it was only 10:30 AM. Looks like this construction company needs to hire more workers, doesn't it?



Oh, I guess not.




This is an artist's rendering of what a new grocery store would look like once it was opened this month (April 2009). And, yes, it does look like that now, except the name of the store is not up yet and there is absolutely nothing in the store. Actually, I noticed that construction there stopped 6 months back. Why? Because the business decided to wait until the economy looks healthier. So when are they opening? At least another year. Sigh... I was looking forward to having a grocery store closer to where I live. I can easily name 10 businesses that have either closed or decided not open up here in just the past year.


And this factory, ladies and gentlemen, is the largest manufacturer of transformers in the world (no not the robots, the things on top of electric poles). Employing a workforce of thousands, Howard Industries is the largest employer in the whole town. Sounds like a nice place to work, right?


In August 2008, ICE raided the factory because it was a suspected employer of illegal aliens. You want to know how many illegals were found at work that day? 600. That is no typo. The raid wound up being the largest illegal round up in the history of ICE. Now, I'm not against my town being in National news, but this is ridiculous.

Before I go on I think I need to clarify a little bit. H.I. has three shifts, so it is up and running all day and night. The raid was conducted during the first shift. Word of the raid leaked out, and therefore the illegals working the second and third shifts were no-shows that day. The exact number of illegals working at that time at this one business is unknown, but I venture to guess that it was at least 1000, but it's probably more like 1700.

People (insert pro-immigration people) said that these men and women were filling jobs that the average American do not want. And here is where I smile, because when H.I. was allowed to reopen, a crowd of hundreds of LEGAL AMERICAN CITIZENS were waiting to apply.

Two other large businesses in town are chicken processing plants, and can you guess who they hire? I have heard tales of people (Legal citizens) who try to apply for jobs at these companies and are never accepted- and it's not for their lack of skills. Now, someone out there will say that I'm being paranoid or racist, but explain this to me. If these companies were not biased against Legal American citizens and did not want to hire illegals, then why do they house the illegal aliens? Yes! I'm not joking. One of the companies has at least two very large plots of land that are for housing their workers. Upon the land are mobile homes for them to live.

No one that I know has an employer who houses them. So, explain that to me please.

My point of this post is that America has jobs that are being filled by people that are here illegally. If these positions were opened up the unemployment numbers could disappear.

I'm not against Hispanics, or Mexicans, or Asians, or anyone personally. But, if you're here working without a green card, you need to step back and find a job back home. And I don't care if you are from Mexico, Cuba, or Ireland. Skin color and language make no difference to me.

There's my economic recovery package. Give Americans jobs.

And, even though this was my town, this is probably what your town is starting to look like. Welcome to Anywhere USA. A land teaming with the unemployed.

I'll mock someone in a day or two in retaliation.

With the recent General Motor's stock grab by the United States government and the United Auto Worker's Union, there will be a few minor changes to the company.

#1- Auto workers will now be asked to work when they feel like it. Five day work week? Who needs it? Come on in when the time is right for you.

#2- The new CEO is Our Lord and Savior, Barack Obama.

#3- In order to buy a car you first must pass a loyalty test.

#4- The government, with the cooperation of GM, is placing a "car pool" computer chip in the seats of all new cars and trucks. Cars will not start if there is only one person detected in the vehicle. Car pooling saves energy and protects us against Global Warming.

#5- The production of gasoline powered automobiles will cease, as of now. New, cleaner cars have been produced, and you will see them very soon at your local car dealership. Here are a few.


This is a one-horse powered model.


There are a few kinks to work out though...



This beauty runs off of cow gas.



The process of photosynthesis produces enough energy to power our flower-mobile. The only downside is that a colony of bees have made their hive on the driver's seat.



Ever wanted a chauffeur?




The rich gases of decaying animals is a green way to power your vehicle. Don't worry, the animal died naturally and signed a consent form for the the opportunity of saving the planet.




All of our new models feature...

Large trunk spaces.




A custom paint job- of the government's choosing, of coarse.





A completely biodegradable body, so beware of leaving the vehicle in one place for too long.



And the interior has plenty of room for any packages that you may have.


In conclusion, there is no need to fear. GM is in good hands. Happy driving!

"We want people to have a higher standard of living," said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. "We just hope we can work together in a way to avoid the mistakes that we made that have created a large part of the problem that we face today."


Hello, you all know me, I'm Al Gore the friendly CEO of the Eco-Movement! Like the biotch, I mean, Secretary of State, said, we need to correct our past mistakes and save our Earth from the dreadful possibility of more Spring-like days.

Who are the happiest people on Earth? The Eskimo, of coarse. They live in a Winter Paradise of blizzards, igloos, and snowball fights in July. Why should we allow the Earth to warm when we will lose this precious gift? Oh, excuse me, I meant to say Inuit instead of Eskimo. I made a Joe Biden, didn't I?

I have prepared a list of our mistakes. These mistakes MUST be dealt with posthaste, or we risk having Minnesotans suffer through 55 degree Fahrenheit Winters.


The incandescent light bulb- Thomas Edison's satanic byproduct. Only a man who is a mad scientific genius could perfect such an evil invention. A simpler means to light your home that will not harm Mother Gaia has been discovered.


Recommended by my Grand kids, only 10 of these little critters will light an area the size of an index card. Impressed? I'm already installing them, Mason Jars included, in my Mansions across the country.



Men like Henry Ford should have been run out of town on a rail! Cars are like giant cigars to our planet. Would you allow your baby to breathe in cigarette smoke? (That question does not apply to Britney Spears.)

Instead of nasty cars and trucks, why don't we use a cleaner method of travel? Like this...

Folks everywhere will be required to travel on these nifty contraptions. Of coarse, I cannot use this means of travel. The dignity of my position as Eco-Dictator would be harmed.


It has recently come to my attention that a new source of that foul element Carbon has been detected- in the very food that we eat! Yes! This poison has seeped into our pantries and we must fight back. Until a process can be invented that will extract the carbon molecules from our food supply, we must find a alternative solution. And, with the help of modeling agencies around the world, a plan is, at this minute, being hatched that will prevent this deadly poison from entering your body. Here is one of my advisers.

She looks like an expert.



Factories produce products that are nice to have, but they are also producers of "you know what". Is your Ipod or diabetes medication so important that you will continue to let these Carbon chimneys pollute our Mother? A eco-friendly solution has been introduced that strikes me as truly incredible.


No Carbon will be produced except for the air they expel! And you can buy as many Hemp T-shirts as you want guilt-free.



How many trees have you destroyed because of your bowel movements? One? Ten? Fifty? Too many to count? And with the advent of such places like Taco Bell the need for toilet paper reduction is critical. Why not use Mother Nature's natural TP?



Or if that is unavailable to you try using what Congress recommends...


Study these survivor tips. Send them to your friends, family, and enemies! We must go green at all costs! For the love of Humanity, do as I say or we will all die! We must overcome the naysayers who doubt my claim of Global Warming! We... yes, Tipper? I don't need my medication now, do I? No, I'm not acting irrational again! Why did you let those guys in? Why do they have a straight jacket? Is that a tranquilizer gun pointed at me, Tipper?

Ouch, not again!

You're traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a Liberal la-la land whose boundaries are that of imagination and fear. That's the signpost up ahead - your next stop, the Twilight Zone!

Picture a land. A land once teaming with brave and determined citizens. A land where freedom was soon taken for granted. But these citizens will in a moment find themselves in an unknown and strange world. A world that is ruled not by sensibility, but by fear and propaganda...


A well dressed man, Mr. Miller, reading a newspaper in his living room- "Look, Honey, our new President Barack Obama is in the news again."

A mild-mannered woman, Mrs. Miller, knitting in a rocking chair- "Oh, what's the story about?"

Mr. Miller- "Well, the AP conducted a survey to see what Americans think about how the country is doing now that he's in office."

Mrs. Miller barely interested- "OK, what did they say?"

Mr. Miller slightly excited- "It says here that 'more Americans than not say the country is headed in the right direction, a sign that Barack Obama has used the first 100 days of his presidency to lift the public's mood and inspire hopes for a brighter future.'"

Mrs. Miller looks dazed- "..."

Mr. Miller looking concerned about his wife- "Honey? What's wrong? You don't look so well."

Mrs. Miller jumps up and screams- "What's wrong? What's wrong! How can you stand there and ask such a question!"

Mr. Miller still calm but confused- "Is it about that poll? Is that why you're upset?"

Mrs. Miller- "Upset! Yes, you idiot! This country is turning into the USSR and there are people out there that approve of what he's doing? I'm scared, Darling! Oh, I'm frightened!"

Mr. Miller's face now has a hypnotized aura and he speaks very calmly- "I don't know about that. He seems to be trying to clean up Washington's messes. There's only a scandal once a day. And a lot of the countries that hated us before are starting to like us since he's come into office. Castro and those other leaders are probably giving Our Dear Leader some terrific advice now..."

Mrs. Miller now is wide-eyed but speaks evenly- "So, they've gotten to you, too."

Mr. Miller suddenly animated with life- "Why, yes! Come and watch my new favorite television show, Honey! You'll calm down if you watch it." The TV show consists of alternating pictures of Obama with a voice-over saying, 'You love your Leader. You agree with everything the leader does. You like this change. You never complain about the leader.' The NBC logo can be seen at the corner of the screen.

Mr. Miller continues happily- "You know, Honey. I think you're going to enjoy this show as much as I do!"

Mrs. Miller with her eyes staring unblinking into the TV screen- "I love my leader. I agree with everything the leader does. I like this change."

Mr. and Mrs. Miller, formerly freedom loving American citizens, now just walking propaganda signs for a new leader, the leader of the Twilight Zone.

This post is in honor of Holocaust Remembrance Day. In honor of this day a certain country that shall remain nameless (Hint: It sounds like "I ran" and it enjoys threatening Israel with destruction), made a grand speech before a United Nations racism conference. The conference's main goal, I assume, was to think of solutions to stop racism, but it seems instead that a few countries are thinking that Jew bashing is an Olympic sport.

According to reports, President Ahmanasswipe wanted to declare in his speech that the Holocaust never happened. This is the type of guy that if he had been born in the United States would be saying that the U.S. faked the Moon landings, Lyndon B. Johnson murdered JFK, and G.W. Bush bombed the levies in New Orleans. To serve his petty goal of eradicating Israel, he is willing to deny the murders of millions of people. Somehow he was talked out of flat out saying that the Jews are lying and deserve to die. He said this instead:

President Ahmanasswipe called Israel the "most cruel and repressive racist regime" and the West of using the Holocaust as a "pretext" for aggression against Palestinians.

Wow, he really cleaned it up. Instead of saying that the Holocaust never happened, he's saying that we used it as an excuse to take away the Holy Land. Well isn't he just holier than thou? If he would take the time to crack open a history book he would see that the Israeli's tried living peacefully with the Palestinians. They were rewarded by being killed.

Also the Holy Land has been in different hands for its entire existence. The Persians (Iranians) "took" the Jews away as slaves in Biblical times. Then there were the Romans, various Islamic clans, and the British. The Jews are merely "back home" after being forcefully dragged away. If you want to go further, and I am, the Holocaust may not have ever happened if the Persians had not taken the Jews away in the first place. Most of the Jews would have still been living in the Holy Land and NOT Europe for Hitler to persecute.

Here are a few pictures from the Holocaust. The Holocaust that people still deny. If you pray, pray that this will never happen again to any race of people. And ask yourself how proof such as these pictures can be construed as being "made up by the West".

Here's another story that will cause you to:
A) Vomit
B) scream at your computer.
C) thank God that you live in the United States.


SAN'A, Yemen (AP) - She was 2 years old when her father promised her in marriage to a man in his 30s. It was a swap, so the father could marry the man's sister without paying the obligatory bride-price.

At age 9, the girl was put on a sack of rice to appear taller next to the bridegroom in the wedding picture. At 11, she was taken to her husband's house to live. Despite promising not to consummate the marriage before she reached puberty, he tied her to a bed, stuffed a rag in her mouth and raped her, she says.

"One day he tied me up and attacked me," the girl, who is now 13 and has fled her husband, told The Associated Press on Wednesday, choking with tears during an interview at an orphanage that has given her shelter. Her name and her husband's aren't being used to protect her identity.

Child marriages are widespread in Yemen, the Arab world's poorest country, where tribal customs dominate society. More than a quarter of its females marry before age 15, according to a recent report by the Social Affairs Ministry.

This is the difference between the United States and some Islamic countries. They call it child marriage, we call it rape.

Yemen is considering banning marriages to anyone under 17 years old, which is a good thing. But there are some law-makers there who seem to have a different point of view. (When I say they "have a different point of view" I really mean that they are jackasses. Read on and decide.

Well, douche bag, it's starting to look as if we DO have to teach your ignorant butt a few things. Civilized countries do not allow pre-pubescent kids to marry. Besides, I don't want to hear a word of complaint from the likes of you. People like you are the type that kill women for wanting to have a life. You are the little Hitler type jackass who enjoys watching people have their fingers chopped off because they haven't prayed to Allah in a few hours.

And then when I thought these nutballs could not scare me anymore, this same guy gave me an insight into their psyche.

That about explains everything doesn't it? I guess the Quran never said a word about not crashing airplanes into skyscrapers and buildings, so that must mean that it's OK by Allah.

Here's the rest of the story about the young girl who was raped.

Thirteen years old and she is just now learning how to read. Makes me sick. I hope this child grows up to fight the ignorant fools in her country. But from reading other stories concerning women from Islamic countries, I fear for her very life.

You know, I just love the AP news group. I am impressed how they can sneak weak-minded, liberal concepts into a supposedly unbiased story. And they do it so well!

AP NEWS- The U.S. and Iran broke off diplomatic ties after the 1979 Islamic Revolution and the takeover of the U.S. Embassy in Tehran by hard-line students. Relations became rockier under the Bush administration, which branded Iran part of an "Axis of Evil" along with Saddam Hussein's Iraq and North Korea.

Did you get that? Relations with the nation of Iran weren't to bad during Bill Clinton's term. It wasn't until that cowboy Bush entered office that we started having this trouble out of them. (Note my flaming sarcasm.)

And Bush "branded" Iran an Axis of Evil because they have been, well, an Axis of Evil. I don't think a better explanation is necessary.

AP NEWS- But Wednesday, Ahmadinejad said, "circumstances have changed" - an apparent reference to Obama's election and Iran's own progress in its nuclear program since talks with world powers last year.

Did the reporter who wrote this story conveniently forget to mention that during Barack's first few days in office our President gave a lovey-dovey speech that "Promised a new beginning"? And what did our Iranian friend do? He practically told Barack to kiss his Arab ass.

And what exactly are these circumstances that Ahmadinejad spoke of?

"Today we are preparing a new package. Once it becomes ready, we will present that package (to you)," said Iranian President Ahmadinejad.

A package from Iran for the U.S.? I imagine "this package" must look something like this...



I hope the package is sent via Fed-Ex. If they lost that package I wouldn't mind at all.

Did you ever fear that the articles you are posting on your blog could get you into trouble? A man in South Korea is facing this predicament. Here is the full story.

Basically this man, with the pen name Minerva, became semi-famous for his financial predictions. Prosecutors are claiming that one such prediction "affected the foreign exchange market and undermined the nation's credibility". Yeah, blame the little guy for the GLOBAL ECONOMIC CRISIS.

Minerva did say on his blog that "the government had banned major financial institutions and trade businesses from buying U.S. dollars", which is false. However, this is a blog we are talking about- not a newspaper or AP story. To arrest a person for false information on their blog is a scary thought. Does this mean that one day all bloggers in the U.S. will need to triple check all information before we post? Will our opinions be subject to arrest? OK, so this incident happened in South Korea, but we must consider that it COULD happen in the United States.

Oh, and the interesting part about this story is that many critics are claiming that Minerva was arrested not for false information, but for his criticism of the government. Hmmm, uhhh... If you are reading this Mr. President, please don't scroll down this page, or click any link, or read any of my comments. (Insert uncomfortable laughter)

Now, according to the new blogger law, I'm required to say or find something amusing. Also, it must be true, accurate, and not opinionated. So, here ya' go.



Henceforth you can find me at the Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary cell #768.

The First Family should be getting a new puppy sometime soon and the media seems to be going gaga over this tidbit of news. So, I'm going to jump on the bandwagon.

First of all, Presidential pets are very important to this country. There was FDR with his dog Fala. JFK had a nice little pony for his children. Both Bushs' had dogs. Clinton had Sox the cat- which he promptly gave up after leaving the White House, by the way.

Through a White House contact I have been directed to pictures of the puppy nominees. Here are their respective pictures with a brief description of their traits and qualities.


Shitspew- This breed is known for its lack of honesty. For reasons only known to itself, this dog often spews sh*t around.




American Hussy- Also known as the Vietnamese Hussy, this puppy likes to travel around the world and bad-mouth its owner. It barks a lot. The Hussy would be a perfect member of the current White House.





Bullcrapper- Want a pooch that was in show biz but is now a has been? Well try the bullcrapper. The bullcrapper thinks he is a comedian, but really he causes more depression than laughter. This breed is recommended only in Minnesota where, apparently, its bullcrap is acceptable.





Chow Chow Mein- Be prepared for large feedings with this dog breed. A mere bowl full of Kibble will not satisfy him. This dog also barks a lot when his mouth isn't chewing on something.




Californian Finger Pointer- This frisky breed loves to point out that she isn't responsible for anything that goes wrong. She is also known for her high cost of living. Luckily you, the owner, won't have to pay a cent since she will find things for free. Free jet rides for the whole family, for example.




Ass-pinscher- Please keep all females away from him. This dog breed does exactly what the name implies.